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I used to be a pig.
I used to be a pig.
I used to think that weight was everything.
But now I get to sing.
Free from the nonsense that anorexia brings.
I have friends.
I've had men.
I see a whole new light.
I've stopped crying for a reason.
Every single night.
I don't see fat upon a scared tiny face.
Instead I see the beauty of imperfection in it's place.
Numbers have become numbers once again.
No longer ticking in a lonely head.
I'd like to say I'm sorry for the pain I insued.
Not just to myself but upon all of you.
I encuraged bad behavior.
I brought my tears to you.
I liked to say I'm sorry,
because frankly that's all I can do.
But I'm very much better now.
I went through a lot.
I did my very best to be to this spot.
So here I am at last.
I went from 90 pounds to one hundred.
I've stopped the silly diets.
I've stopped living in dread.
I've started feeling alive.
And stopped feeling dead.
The Media My Anorexia
Skinny girls line my walls
In my school they walk the halls
Pretty models at the mall
Why do they get to be so thin and tall?
Mommy tells me "Dear it's all in your head"
If that's so Mommy dearest why can't I get out of bed?
Or remember what you've just said?
If I've got so much time left to live why do I feel so dead?
Grandma doesn't get it as she asks me "Why?"
I say "You know I can't help it. At least I try."
Time to ask myself a question 'Why must I lie?'
A question never answered, drowned out by my cries
Pappy asks me "What's for lunch?"
I said I couldn't handle much
Another day of life's crutch
and Ana's strong and painful clutch
I've lost another ten and I'm not happy yet
Just another ten to perfection that was my bet
A promise I made to myself that I now regret
Oh me why do we do this to ourself? How Skinny must we Get?
Diary of An Anorexic 13
April 24, 2010
All I ate today was a french fry. It was just to prove to my mom that I'm eating haha. What she don't know won't hurt her. Jami gained all her weight back. I looked sad but inside I was screaming "Ha so I'm not the fattest friend after all". I mean all she does is eat. It makes me sick just looking at her do it. But I can't blame her I guess. I mean it was hard for me too at first... but not anymore...
Weight Change: +.8lbs
the FAT girl
Hello Daddy It's been Awhile
things have changed since you were my father
your little girls got even smaller
don't let the purging be a bother
Ana is my only friend
things have been different since I was ten
I had a life back then
I had a family
Mia comes to visit every once in a while
... Daddy what's wrong why can't you smile
Don't talk to me like I'm still a child
look in my eyes
Daddy wait where are you going
you've gone again without me knowing
It'll be years again until I see that face
It always leaves without a trace
Daddy you make so blue
we used to stick together... just like glue
Maybe that's why I weigh 92
I can't gain anything unless I'm with you
Diary of An Anorexic 12
April 23, 2010
I ate the rest of the oreo ice cream cake by myself. Of course I threw it up but it was wierd because half of it came out my nose! It felt wierd and smelled even worse! Kira weighs eighty-nine pounds and Kelsey weighs eighty-two... and at the rate Jami is losing weight soon she'll be thinner than me too. I feel bloated and huger than ever. I may never eat ice cream again! My goal weight is to be atleast eighty again but by that point all my friends will be like seventy. I really am fat...
Weight Change: -1.8lbs
Diary of An Anorexic 11
April 22, 2010
I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm sooo fat! Everybody knows about my bulimia now. They all think I'm freak, even Kolby. Nobody realizes it's an "illness" (I hate hat word). They think I can stop whenever I want to but I can't. Why can't tey understand that? I'm only close to two people anymore. They're obviously Jami and Kira but even they have never seen the true pain inside me. It's starting to burn a hole in my chest. The feelings are aching to get out. I'll never let them...
Weight change: -.6lbs
Diary of An Anorexic 10
April 21, 2010
Nen is pissing me off. She knows about my bulimia. Apparently she saw me throwing up outside.It's all her fault I've gotten so fat! She made me sit down and eat dinner and made sure it didn't come back up. I hate her right now... I feel disguisting. Jami said she can see her weight dissappering. I'm not so lucky. Soon she'll be thinner than me...
Weight Change: +3.4lbs
Diary of An Anorexic 8
April 19, 2010
So I've started once again on my journey to Anorexia. Even though I've lost weight I continue to feel fat and insecure. My moms starting to catch on already. She found throw up on the bathroom towels. She thinks I'm bulimic. Though I denied her aligations I didn't tell her that she wasn't far off. Jami lost more weight than me. I'm so jelious though I'm still skinnier but not by much. On the Wii Fit I'm only about an inch away from being underweight
Weight Change: -.9lbs
Diary of an Anorexic 7
April 17, 2010
I feel disgusting. I ate four...FOUR pieces of pizza last night and a bowl of cereal this morning. All that sugar and fat is enough to make me wanna shoot myself! I'm dizzy all the time now but somehow I like it. It reminds me that I'm going to be skinny someday. That's all that matters to me lately. It used to be hard not to eat but now that I'm more used to it, it's an amazing feeling! I LOVE it! Jami's being distant...
I'm Not a CutterJust because I'm not a Cutter,
Doesn't mean I can't feel pain.
It just means I’m strong enough,
to fight the battle, without giving up,
or succumbing to my own agony.
It just means, that I'm strong enough to go on.
I Dream About HerI dream about her, quite often, actually. It's been nearly two and a half years since I've seen her face to face, and it truly does break my heart when I remember the good times. She was one of my best friends, one of the greatest influences in my life, and someone who could make me smile. However, all good things must come to an end eventually.
Drugs don't just affect you, they affect your friends. When you've been roped into the bad crowd and refuse to turn to the people who love you most, you're going to lose everything you care about. Well, I cared for her, alright. We were nearly as inseparable as Sempai and I, hanging out nearly 24/7. Sure, there were fights, but every friend has a fight. It's when the line is drawn that things get messy.
In my dreams, I remember how she used to be, how fun she was, how silly she acted, and how she was just pleasant to have around. What happened? Why did she decide to go the way she went? To turn to lying, drug abusing, and overall not caring for
One last time. KristaXReaderFor music please listen
Highly recommended after the game scene though
"Two Kings!” Krista piped laying the cards on in the pot laying on my lap. She sat cross legged on the hospital bed with me. Sitting up straight and laid her cards face down in her lap leaning forward, now were both now down to one card. you looked up from my last card and glared at her. For such an innocent girl she had one hell of a poker face. you swallowed the lump in my throat and laid down my last card.
“One Ace.” you stated and crossed my arms challenging her to say it.
‘that’s it! the cat’s in the-’
“Bullshit!” She called out and flipped over the card that had just laid down….a queen,.
“Damn it Krista!” you shouted smacking the pile off my lap then pouted indignantly.
"Can't you just let me win for once." I asked. Krista giggled an
How to love a guy who can't love himself.How to love a guy who really doesn’t love himself.
Well first, there are numerous ways you can do this, so just sit back and listen.
Number one rule, tell him to drop his façade, abandon the stereotypes that society places upon him, find the real him, the core, so fragile and so easily able to be hurt.
When you find the real him, who he really is, then look him in the eyes, past all that buff, and all of that strength and mutter a few simple words. ‘It’s okay to cry.’ And when he cries, when he falls to his knees and allows his body to tremble for the first time in decades, you put your hands on his shoulders and say, ‘Everything will be fine’.
And when he looks up at you, with tears in his eyes, shaking out of either shame or anger, you just smile at him, and say ‘No’, not because he’s crying but because you know he’s threatening to close himself off again to the world, and put on that face that he fe
.things i've learned in
the last few months:
-friends are expendable.
-so is sanity.
-you can like girls and boys
and neither and either.
-it is possible to
exist while half your soul
is jutting out of your body.
-change does not help
-you can't bring back the dead.
-but you can hold the dead in your
arms when their eyes won't close.
-and when you make pacts with god,
remember that you're still upholding
so many promises with him in the first place.
-you're not suicidal, just human.
-maybe just a little less human than
-devaluing people doesn't
help your social anxiety.
-you can't run away from job
opportunities just because
you think a colleague is whispering about you.
-but you do get a choice on which job to take.
-and no, you're not so worthless that you have
to settle for a job you know you'll hate.
-and you do have a right to be paranoid.
-you don't have to write your sister.
CycleI reserve the option to be emotionally born, play, grow old, and die at last once every decade--perhaps every year, month, week, or day.
--J. Shidler 2014-04-06
RainAs the electric arc sizzles away like frying bacon, two pieces of steel are fused together into one mechanical mass. Its Thursday night, and for us its the last night of the work week. Weekend ahead, money in our pocket, endless possibilities.
But for now, there are 36" mower decks to run. Bright light on a dark night, smoke and sparks, and 8 hours of staring into a false star. The shop is filled with a light yellow haze, it drifts through the air like a ghost as we work away the hours till dawn.
It is warmer than previous nights, winter is coming to an end and spring begins. Its raining!
Not snowing, not hail, not ice that clings to all things, but the continual 'tap, tap, tap' of heavy rain, almost like the distant roar of a forgotten army.
Sparks fly and fill the night, the haze is stifling, creeping behind helmet and vale. Another hand crafted product is born, and ready for processing, on to the paint line and the day crew.
A hot steel plate that will be painted black, built up wit
You and I are just the same...
Through glazed plastic eyes I stare, a soft smile sewn onto my lips.
"You're my best friend!" the girl across from me smiles, giggling gleefully as she does.
"You're mine too..." I respond with warmth in my unspoken words.
She brings me close, hugging me to her chest, as she spins in a circle. Then after she holds my hand and brings me wherever she goes.It always starts like that, so gentle and innocent. Slowly, it grows as she starts to reveal her secrets to you. Crushes she has, wishes for things that she wants. You'd think this was an unbreakable bond. But then, they begin to grow distant. Their warmth leaves and you're left in a cold corner, forgotten.
They may come to visit you every now and then, but it's never for very long and soon enough it's they simply don't return. In years they may find you and look you over. They find you dusty, your eyes are scratched and the paint is faded.
"I remember y
Diary of An Anorexic 9
April 20, 2010
My little "friend" came to ruin my day. He hit me right in the face lol. Nissa knows now but she thinks I'm mostly bulimic. I guess I am now that I've found a way to purge. I'm proud of myself for that. It means I can eat whatever I want now. I'm kinda upset though. I only lost .9 pounds yesterday. Jami said it's because of all the crap I ate over the weekend. She's probably right.
Weight Change: -1.4lbs
mechanici want to kiss every aching wound you have,
bandage your heart every time it bleeds,
and patch up your mind over and over
because not a single tear deserves to fall
from your brandy-drenched eyes
but this dripping heart of mine can only feel
and the healing honey words it flames get caught
in the back of my throat and on the roof of my mouth
so i only have these passionate guttural cries
to tell you that i care all too much
and in order to fix you up again,
i would need to tear myself to tatters
and trade all of my working parts
for your leftover, fading pieces
but i just haven’t figured out how.
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Bluefley has a gallery filled with artwork that whisks you off in to a Sci-fi daydream, and keeps you captivated for hours. Marc has been a member of our community for over a decade and has achieved nothing but success with his astounding commitment to interacting with the community, sharing a prolific amount of video tutorials and generally being an all round rockstar deviant. It is no joke that we are absolutely delighted to award the Deviousness Award for April 2014 to ... Read More