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I used to be a pig.
I used to be a pig.
I used to think that weight was everything.
But now I get to sing.
Free from the nonsense that anorexia brings.
I have friends.
I've had men.
I see a whole new light.
I've stopped crying for a reason.
Every single night.
I don't see fat upon a scared tiny face.
Instead I see the beauty of imperfection in it's place.
Numbers have become numbers once again.
No longer ticking in a lonely head.
I'd like to say I'm sorry for the pain I insued.
Not just to myself but upon all of you.
I encuraged bad behavior.
I brought my tears to you.
I liked to say I'm sorry,
because frankly that's all I can do.
But I'm very much better now.
I went through a lot.
I did my very best to be to this spot.
So here I am at last.
I went from 90 pounds to one hundred.
I've stopped the silly diets.
I've stopped living in dread.
I've started feeling alive.
And stopped feeling dead.
The Media My Anorexia
Skinny girls line my walls
In my school they walk the halls
Pretty models at the mall
Why do they get to be so thin and tall?
Mommy tells me "Dear it's all in your head"
If that's so Mommy dearest why can't I get out of bed?
Or remember what you've just said?
If I've got so much time left to live why do I feel so dead?
Grandma doesn't get it as she asks me "Why?"
I say "You know I can't help it. At least I try."
Time to ask myself a question 'Why must I lie?'
A question never answered, drowned out by my cries
Pappy asks me "What's for lunch?"
I said I couldn't handle much
Another day of life's crutch
and Ana's strong and painful clutch
I've lost another ten and I'm not happy yet
Just another ten to perfection that was my bet
A promise I made to myself that I now regret
Oh me why do we do this to ourself? How Skinny must we Get?
Diary of An Anorexic 13
April 24, 2010
All I ate today was a french fry. It was just to prove to my mom that I'm eating haha. What she don't know won't hurt her. Jami gained all her weight back. I looked sad but inside I was screaming "Ha so I'm not the fattest friend after all". I mean all she does is eat. It makes me sick just looking at her do it. But I can't blame her I guess. I mean it was hard for me too at first... but not anymore...
Weight Change: +.8lbs
the FAT girl
Hello Daddy It's been Awhile
things have changed since you were my father
your little girls got even smaller
don't let the purging be a bother
Ana is my only friend
things have been different since I was ten
I had a life back then
I had a family
Mia comes to visit every once in a while
... Daddy what's wrong why can't you smile
Don't talk to me like I'm still a child
look in my eyes
Daddy wait where are you going
you've gone again without me knowing
It'll be years again until I see that face
It always leaves without a trace
Daddy you make so blue
we used to stick together... just like glue
Maybe that's why I weigh 92
I can't gain anything unless I'm with you
Diary of An Anorexic 12
April 23, 2010
I ate the rest of the oreo ice cream cake by myself. Of course I threw it up but it was wierd because half of it came out my nose! It felt wierd and smelled even worse! Kira weighs eighty-nine pounds and Kelsey weighs eighty-two... and at the rate Jami is losing weight soon she'll be thinner than me too. I feel bloated and huger than ever. I may never eat ice cream again! My goal weight is to be atleast eighty again but by that point all my friends will be like seventy. I really am fat...
Weight Change: -1.8lbs
Diary of An Anorexic 11
April 22, 2010
I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm sooo fat! Everybody knows about my bulimia now. They all think I'm freak, even Kolby. Nobody realizes it's an "illness" (I hate hat word). They think I can stop whenever I want to but I can't. Why can't tey understand that? I'm only close to two people anymore. They're obviously Jami and Kira but even they have never seen the true pain inside me. It's starting to burn a hole in my chest. The feelings are aching to get out. I'll never let them...
Weight change: -.6lbs
Diary of An Anorexic 10
April 21, 2010
Nen is pissing me off. She knows about my bulimia. Apparently she saw me throwing up outside.It's all her fault I've gotten so fat! She made me sit down and eat dinner and made sure it didn't come back up. I hate her right now... I feel disguisting. Jami said she can see her weight dissappering. I'm not so lucky. Soon she'll be thinner than me...
Weight Change: +3.4lbs
Diary of An Anorexic 8
April 19, 2010
So I've started once again on my journey to Anorexia. Even though I've lost weight I continue to feel fat and insecure. My moms starting to catch on already. She found throw up on the bathroom towels. She thinks I'm bulimic. Though I denied her aligations I didn't tell her that she wasn't far off. Jami lost more weight than me. I'm so jelious though I'm still skinnier but not by much. On the Wii Fit I'm only about an inch away from being underweight
Weight Change: -.9lbs
Diary of an Anorexic 7
April 17, 2010
I feel disgusting. I ate four...FOUR pieces of pizza last night and a bowl of cereal this morning. All that sugar and fat is enough to make me wanna shoot myself! I'm dizzy all the time now but somehow I like it. It reminds me that I'm going to be skinny someday. That's all that matters to me lately. It used to be hard not to eat but now that I'm more used to it, it's an amazing feeling! I LOVE it! Jami's being distant...
The Young, The Wild, and The FreeDear Gabby,
This is a letter that I have wanted to write to you for over three years. I have used countless excuses: No time, no courage, no inherent reason. I have told myself countless times that writing letters to people like you is useless because people like you do not listen, no matter the person, the time, the medium, nor the words. You just do not, or maybe will not, listen. But, I guess in the realm of things this does not matter, because here I am, neither drunk nor sober, writing down my words on a piece of scrap paper you'll look at, but never read.
I was always quiet and you were always loud, and our friends told us it was okay because opposites attract. In public, it was funny. You would laugh and grasp my shoulder when you rambled on and I did not reply, but just listened. However, when we would arrive back at my apartment, it was always different. Instead of laughing, you would yell. Instead of grasping, you would pu
I'm Not a CutterJust because I'm not a Cutter,
Doesn't mean I can't feel pain.
It just means I’m strong enough,
to fight the battle, without giving up,
or succumbing to my own agony.
It just means, that I'm strong enough to go on.
We're Waiting.To be a good writer is to be you. To be a good artist is to be you. To be anything is to be you. Dream. Live. Wonder. Create. And be yourself.
Because you are the one who can make the change that everyone's been waiting for. You can do what others were too afraid to do. You just need a little push, and a lot of hope.
But most of all, you need you. Your individuality. Your uniqueness. Your creativity. Your imagination. And if you tie that all together, you can create something absolutely beautiful. Something new. Something amazing. Something we've all been waiting for.
The world is waiting for the next J.K Rowling. The world is waiting for the next Van Gogh. The world is waiting for the next Beethoven. The next Einstein. The next John F. Kennedy. The world is waiting for you. We're waiting for a change. And who's the say you can't make a change? Who's to say you can't make a difference?
You can. You most certainly can. All you need is a dream, hope, and a little bit of imagination. And
I Dream About HerI dream about her, quite often, actually. It's been nearly two and a half years since I've seen her face to face, and it truly does break my heart when I remember the good times. She was one of my best friends, one of the greatest influences in my life, and someone who could make me smile. However, all good things must come to an end eventually.
Drugs don't just affect you, they affect your friends. When you've been roped into the bad crowd and refuse to turn to the people who love you most, you're going to lose everything you care about. Well, I cared for her, alright. We were nearly as inseparable as Sempai and I, hanging out nearly 24/7. Sure, there were fights, but every friend has a fight. It's when the line is drawn that things get messy.
In my dreams, I remember how she used to be, how fun she was, how silly she acted, and how she was just pleasant to have around. What happened? Why did she decide to go the way she went? To turn to lying, drug abusing, and overall not caring for
Just Venting"Are you alright?"
"Wow, you're good. Why aren't you in honors?"
Because I know I'll fail.
"Hello? ...You okay?"
"Wow, I didn't mean it. It was a fucking joke...Hello? Hey, I said I'm sorry."
"You don't appreciate anything."
"You're so lazy."
"Wow, what's got you in such a pissy mood?"
"Nothing. I'm fine."
"When was the last time you saw him?"
"...Over a month."
"When was the last time you talked to him?"
"And that boy you talked about, you're still with him?"
"He cheated on me."
"You don't trust many people, do you?"
"I trust far more than I should."
"For someone with all these problems, you sure do smile a lot."
Have you ever had the feeling...Have you ever had the feeling like you just don't know what to do? Where you just can't even think of what to say or who to talk to? Like you're being torn between two sides and you just don't know who to pick? Like if you make one wrong move, you'll be sent down a slippery slope with no return?
I feel like this every day. I don't know what to say, and I don't know what not to say. I don't know who I should and shouldn't be talking to. I don't know what questions are safe to ask, and what ones are better left unsaid.
I can't simply hide away from it all. And I can't simply do something too drastic. I feel like I'm being forced to feel some way when I feel another. Like I'm the bad guy for staying true to myself.
I'll get in big trouble if I make a mistake, and I don't know how to keep going without making one. I'm terrified of the inevitable fates that I see...I can't find a path to a good outcome no matter how much I think it over...
No one tells me straight up what's wrong, I have to
You don’t know me and I don’t fully know you- I only know your story. Sometimes a story is all you need to really know someone, and I’m sorry you may never know me, but I feel blessed to know you.
I... well, vocabulary is very limited and I don’t really think there are words to describe it but, well, I can try. In a way I kind of look up to you. It’s amazing how strong you are; if what is happening to you were to happen to me I wouldn’t be half as strong as you are. That’s how I also feel about Jeth. We often don’t know what we have, and I sometimes think that it’s amazing how people can live without things I take for granted. Like Jeth told me you aren’t able to look at a computer screen; that would seriously kill me. All I ever do is go on my phone and laptop, and if I didn’t have those things, I would I hate every second without them. You and Jeth both are similar in your own ways because you both have more po
CycleI reserve the option to be emotionally born, play, grow old, and die at last once every decade--perhaps every year, month, week, or day.
--J. Shidler 2014-04-06
I Met This Guy and He Was DifferentI'm an outcast. I don't even own any skirts that I can still fit and I only own 2 dresses both of which haven't been worn in 2 years. However, at the same time I don't play sports. I'm more of a nerd if you want to give me a label. Anyway, for the longest time I was extremely honest, ambitious, and seemed to be made of stone. I didn't get sad, or angry, or heartbroken or anxious over things. That angry part changed very quickly, but I'm not even talking about that. When I was younger, if I had a crush on a guy I seriously just told him and everyone else. Considering I've never had a boyfriend, you'er best to assume they've always rejected me. Then came this one year, which I'm not telling you what year, just to sound less pathetic. I met this guy and of course at first it was just physical attraction, we didn't talk. Then one day despite the fact we didn't talk, he knew I liked to write. We had this huge project , we had to write a Choose Your Own Adventure book. He and his best
Diary of An Anorexic 9
April 20, 2010
My little "friend" came to ruin my day. He hit me right in the face lol. Nissa knows now but she thinks I'm mostly bulimic. I guess I am now that I've found a way to purge. I'm proud of myself for that. It means I can eat whatever I want now. I'm kinda upset though. I only lost .9 pounds yesterday. Jami said it's because of all the crap I ate over the weekend. She's probably right.
Weight Change: -1.4lbs
Stranger LoveI am not the sunlit wing-print
splayed out on the bedroom wall.
I am not the dark mass forming
in a corner of an airless hall.
I am not the viscous vengeance
where you sink your spinning wheels.
I am not the leaky bucket
hung up on your wishing well.
You are not my soul mate missing
wandering a winter's night.
You are not the sound of angels
singing by a candle's light.
You are not the rasp of fingers
fumbling with a hasp of steel.
You are not the tattered towel
soaking up the things I feel.
I am the oblivious child,
dancing where the wildflowers are.
You are my unwitting captive
lighting up a jelly jar.
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Bluefley has a gallery filled with artwork that whisks you off in to a Sci-fi daydream, and keeps you captivated for hours. Marc has been a member of our community for over a decade and has achieved nothing but success with his astounding commitment to interacting with the community, sharing a prolific amount of video tutorials and generally being an all round rockstar deviant. It is no joke that we are absolutely delighted to award the Deviousness Award for April 2014 to ... Read More