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I used to be a pig.
I used to be a pig.
I used to think that weight was everything.
But now I get to sing.
Free from the nonsense that anorexia brings.
I have friends.
I've had men.
I see a whole new light.
I've stopped crying for a reason.
Every single night.
I don't see fat upon a scared tiny face.
Instead I see the beauty of imperfection in it's place.
Numbers have become numbers once again.
No longer ticking in a lonely head.
I'd like to say I'm sorry for the pain I insued.
Not just to myself but upon all of you.
I encuraged bad behavior.
I brought my tears to you.
I liked to say I'm sorry,
because frankly that's all I can do.
But I'm very much better now.
I went through a lot.
I did my very best to be to this spot.
So here I am at last.
I went from 90 pounds to one hundred.
I've stopped the silly diets.
I've stopped living in dread.
I've started feeling alive.
And stopped feeling dead.
The Media My Anorexia
Skinny girls line my walls
In my school they walk the halls
Pretty models at the mall
Why do they get to be so thin and tall?
Mommy tells me "Dear it's all in your head"
If that's so Mommy dearest why can't I get out of bed?
Or remember what you've just said?
If I've got so much time left to live why do I feel so dead?
Grandma doesn't get it as she asks me "Why?"
I say "You know I can't help it. At least I try."
Time to ask myself a question 'Why must I lie?'
A question never answered, drowned out by my cries
Pappy asks me "What's for lunch?"
I said I couldn't handle much
Another day of life's crutch
and Ana's strong and painful clutch
I've lost another ten and I'm not happy yet
Just another ten to perfection that was my bet
A promise I made to myself that I now regret
Oh me why do we do this to ourself? How Skinny must we Get?
Diary of An Anorexic 13
April 24, 2010
All I ate today was a french fry. It was just to prove to my mom that I'm eating haha. What she don't know won't hurt her. Jami gained all her weight back. I looked sad but inside I was screaming "Ha so I'm not the fattest friend after all". I mean all she does is eat. It makes me sick just looking at her do it. But I can't blame her I guess. I mean it was hard for me too at first... but not anymore...
Weight Change: +.8lbs
the FAT girl
Hello Daddy It's been Awhile
things have changed since you were my father
your little girls got even smaller
don't let the purging be a bother
Ana is my only friend
things have been different since I was ten
I had a life back then
I had a family
Mia comes to visit every once in a while
... Daddy what's wrong why can't you smile
Don't talk to me like I'm still a child
look in my eyes
Daddy wait where are you going
you've gone again without me knowing
It'll be years again until I see that face
It always leaves without a trace
Daddy you make so blue
we used to stick together... just like glue
Maybe that's why I weigh 92
I can't gain anything unless I'm with you
Diary of An Anorexic 12
April 23, 2010
I ate the rest of the oreo ice cream cake by myself. Of course I threw it up but it was wierd because half of it came out my nose! It felt wierd and smelled even worse! Kira weighs eighty-nine pounds and Kelsey weighs eighty-two... and at the rate Jami is losing weight soon she'll be thinner than me too. I feel bloated and huger than ever. I may never eat ice cream again! My goal weight is to be atleast eighty again but by that point all my friends will be like seventy. I really am fat...
Weight Change: -1.8lbs
Diary of An Anorexic 11
April 22, 2010
I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm sooo fat! Everybody knows about my bulimia now. They all think I'm freak, even Kolby. Nobody realizes it's an "illness" (I hate hat word). They think I can stop whenever I want to but I can't. Why can't tey understand that? I'm only close to two people anymore. They're obviously Jami and Kira but even they have never seen the true pain inside me. It's starting to burn a hole in my chest. The feelings are aching to get out. I'll never let them...
Weight change: -.6lbs
Diary of An Anorexic 10
April 21, 2010
Nen is pissing me off. She knows about my bulimia. Apparently she saw me throwing up outside.It's all her fault I've gotten so fat! She made me sit down and eat dinner and made sure it didn't come back up. I hate her right now... I feel disguisting. Jami said she can see her weight dissappering. I'm not so lucky. Soon she'll be thinner than me...
Weight Change: +3.4lbs
Diary of An Anorexic 8
April 19, 2010
So I've started once again on my journey to Anorexia. Even though I've lost weight I continue to feel fat and insecure. My moms starting to catch on already. She found throw up on the bathroom towels. She thinks I'm bulimic. Though I denied her aligations I didn't tell her that she wasn't far off. Jami lost more weight than me. I'm so jelious though I'm still skinnier but not by much. On the Wii Fit I'm only about an inch away from being underweight
Weight Change: -.9lbs
Diary of an Anorexic 7
April 17, 2010
I feel disgusting. I ate four...FOUR pieces of pizza last night and a bowl of cereal this morning. All that sugar and fat is enough to make me wanna shoot myself! I'm dizzy all the time now but somehow I like it. It reminds me that I'm going to be skinny someday. That's all that matters to me lately. It used to be hard not to eat but now that I'm more used to it, it's an amazing feeling! I LOVE it! Jami's being distant...
100 Reasons to Stay AliveCute animals that make you go, "Kawaii!"The part of the charger you put your foot on while you're derping on the laptop.Pencils so sharp you can possibly murder an undesirable specimen. (I don't suggest that, but you can.)Clear, blue skies.Putting on the headphones after a long day.Realizing you don't have any homework.The feeling of spring after winter."EMERGENCY MESSAGE: Due to extreme weather conditions, all school activities and administrative offices have been closed for today."Dry towels.Belting out your favorite song in the shower.Cute guys.Maybe cute girls.Or maybe both. I don't know your preferences.The sense of accomplishment.Looking in the mirror and trying out your "sexy" pose.Going on DeviantArt to find your messages chock-full of activity notifications.When you're in a radically good mood so you don't have a care in the world.Hilarious videos.Seeing a picture of something that doesn't usually have a face having a face.When your crush smiles at you.Being weird with your BF
Markiplier - Draw My Life.Markiplier Draw My Life
“Hello Everybody! Markiplier here and thank you guys so much for being with me through a 1000 videos! It’s hard to even imagine how we’ve gotten from this point, and I REALLY wanted to do something special for the 1000 subscriber milestone, er, not a 1000 subscriber- 1000 VIDEO milestone, and, I think this video is really gonna explain to you guys how I got from point A to point B, and how YOU guys have helped change my life because, um, these things are really important to me because, they tell how I became the person that I am, and I really do appreciate you guys for sticking with me. So, HERE WE GO!!!”
“I was born on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean called O’ahu, which is the third largest island of Hawaii, and home to the city of Honolulu where I was born on a military base. My dad was a career army man, and he had been in the army 23 years before he retired, and appar
Maybe This Is My Last GoodbyeI just have something to say and that is that I can not but
I have tried to get ahead for myself
But I can not
Every time I feel most miserable
Whenever I feel like not worth it to go ahead
I've tried everything
But they just look at me as a useless, stupid good for nothing like a monster
So to go ahead if, just they tell me my faults in the face
They say I have to open my wings and fly towards my destination where I belong
I try to fly, but my wings are broken
And without wings I can not fly to my destination, and if I not go to my destination I have nothing
And if I have nothing to go ahead
Maybe my destiny is in heaven, where there is no evil, sadness or mental illness
Today My Hands Reek of Doctor Office SoapBecause I frantically washed my hands in the back room
Because I’m one anxious little fuck when it comes to needles and
Crying children in the hallways and rooms where the walls are paper thin
Because I nearly pass out when needles are stuck into my arm several times
Because no one can ever find a goddamned vein the first time
Trying to calm myself as the doctor comes back in and the first words out of my mouth are
“So what are some good anxiety medications these days?”
a letter to her My darling sunshine,
I know that we're about 1000 miles apart, but my heart feels tied to yours and I can't seem to let you go. My heart tells me that you're my soul mate, that you're my other half, that you're supposed to be loved by me and I by you. Age is just a number. I know that. In your Valentine's Day card, you told me to believe in us, to believe that one day we'll be together forever. I can't wait until that day!
Recently, you suggested we take a break because our distance is too big for you... I told you that'd be okay, I told you that I could wait for 4 more years (seeing as that's how many years of school I have left). You still call me your lovely pet names for me: Babe, darling, deary, and my favorite - your shooting star. You still tell me that you love me, and I tell you that I love you more. I do believe in us, I do believe that some day soon, we'll be together forever.
You, my dear, are my best friend... And I'm yours, you told me so yourself. I won't let you g
Stream of ConsciousnessSteam of Consciousness
Second grade must seem like limbo now. I was a naïve kid. I didn’t do anything in class unless told to. Being the new girl, no one associated with me unless told to by Sister Raphael. I didn’t care though, I just did what I was told, did my work, at lunch at my desk when everyone sat with each other, did more work, and then went home to do homework and play with my toys. The boys were all right; I worked well enough with them. Didn’t do anything outright. The girls went out of their way to ignore me, talk about me, but I didn’t notice. It was normal to do so, I thought. I knew right from wrong like how they said it in the Bible; I knew they were being bad. But if it affected me at all, I was soon distracted by something else. I just went with the motions.
-- (my name), come here.
Sister Raphael waved me to her desk. I was nervous at first, shivers going up and down my body and my heart jumping, but when I sat down, we ate together, an
La Voce Toaif there is a hardness in the heart
it must be broken
if there are words inside untold
they must be spoken
if there is a candle burning at the shrine
it must burn down,
until the very last drop of wax is spent
this hope will have no ground
wherever i turn
wherever i spin
these are the words
of the dance we're in
if there is sadness welling at the throat
the tears must run
as raindrops fill the ocean
it must be released and sung
if there are voices silenced in the darkness
louder they'll shout
the crowds will take the streets
their anger must be let out
wherever i turn
wherever i spin
and these are the words
of the times we're in
la voce toa nu l'hai timire
la voca toa falla sentire
la voce toa nu l'hai timire
la voca toa famme sentire
My Father's Last Poem The Night Before He DiedMy Father's Last Poem
My mother held my sobbing father one night
He begged her not to put him into a nursing home.
He wanted to die in the home he built himself for her.
It's the least she could have done.
He had been taken via ambulance without him even knowing where they were taking him. He must have been so frightened, this kindest man on the face of the earth.
Images burn, I swear they burn starting in the brain,
from there going wild into the deepest darkest part of your soul.
I see my father in the nursing home making a gallant attempt to spoon the liquid broth
they called soup into his mouth.
Off to the side is a mushy bowl of fruit gone soft.
His milk looks curdled, it can't taste good.
But my father never complains, so paints on his face the fake of a smile
He thinks we don't sense his pain so we can't feel it, he was wrong about both.
Life with him has always been that way, I remember no other.
After Daddy passed I found my mother crying.
My son had stayed until the amb
Diary of An Anorexic 9
April 20, 2010
My little "friend" came to ruin my day. He hit me right in the face lol. Nissa knows now but she thinks I'm mostly bulimic. I guess I am now that I've found a way to purge. I'm proud of myself for that. It means I can eat whatever I want now. I'm kinda upset though. I only lost .9 pounds yesterday. Jami said it's because of all the crap I ate over the weekend. She's probably right.
Weight Change: -1.4lbs
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Lilyas has dedicated herself to making our community a brighter place with her vibrant artwork and infectious enthusiasm for interacting with others in our community. It has certainly paid off, as many deviants flock to her page on a daily basis to let her know how much of an inspiration she is. We absolutely agree, and couldn't let all that hard work go without recognition, so it's with great pride that we bestow the Deviousness Award for March 2014, to ... Read More