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I used to be a pig.
I used to be a pig.
I used to think that weight was everything.
But now I get to sing.
Free from the nonsense that anorexia brings.
I have friends.
I've had men.
I see a whole new light.
I've stopped crying for a reason.
Every single night.
I don't see fat upon a scared tiny face.
Instead I see the beauty of imperfection in it's place.
Numbers have become numbers once again.
No longer ticking in a lonely head.
I'd like to say I'm sorry for the pain I insued.
Not just to myself but upon all of you.
I encuraged bad behavior.
I brought my tears to you.
I liked to say I'm sorry,
because frankly that's all I can do.
But I'm very much better now.
I went through a lot.
I did my very best to be to this spot.
So here I am at last.
I went from 90 pounds to one hundred.
I've stopped the silly diets.
I've stopped living in dread.
I've started feeling alive.
And stopped feeling dead.
The Media My Anorexia
Skinny girls line my walls
In my school they walk the halls
Pretty models at the mall
Why do they get to be so thin and tall?
Mommy tells me "Dear it's all in your head"
If that's so Mommy dearest why can't I get out of bed?
Or remember what you've just said?
If I've got so much time left to live why do I feel so dead?
Grandma doesn't get it as she asks me "Why?"
I say "You know I can't help it. At least I try."
Time to ask myself a question 'Why must I lie?'
A question never answered, drowned out by my cries
Pappy asks me "What's for lunch?"
I said I couldn't handle much
Another day of life's crutch
and Ana's strong and painful clutch
I've lost another ten and I'm not happy yet
Just another ten to perfection that was my bet
A promise I made to myself that I now regret
Oh me why do we do this to ourself? How Skinny must we Get?
Diary of An Anorexic 13
April 24, 2010
All I ate today was a french fry. It was just to prove to my mom that I'm eating haha. What she don't know won't hurt her. Jami gained all her weight back. I looked sad but inside I was screaming "Ha so I'm not the fattest friend after all". I mean all she does is eat. It makes me sick just looking at her do it. But I can't blame her I guess. I mean it was hard for me too at first... but not anymore...
Weight Change: +.8lbs
the FAT girl
Hello Daddy It's been Awhile
things have changed since you were my father
your little girls got even smaller
don't let the purging be a bother
Ana is my only friend
things have been different since I was ten
I had a life back then
I had a family
Mia comes to visit every once in a while
... Daddy what's wrong why can't you smile
Don't talk to me like I'm still a child
look in my eyes
Daddy wait where are you going
you've gone again without me knowing
It'll be years again until I see that face
It always leaves without a trace
Daddy you make so blue
we used to stick together... just like glue
Maybe that's why I weigh 92
I can't gain anything unless I'm with you
Diary of An Anorexic 12
April 23, 2010
I ate the rest of the oreo ice cream cake by myself. Of course I threw it up but it was wierd because half of it came out my nose! It felt wierd and smelled even worse! Kira weighs eighty-nine pounds and Kelsey weighs eighty-two... and at the rate Jami is losing weight soon she'll be thinner than me too. I feel bloated and huger than ever. I may never eat ice cream again! My goal weight is to be atleast eighty again but by that point all my friends will be like seventy. I really am fat...
Weight Change: -1.8lbs
Diary of An Anorexic 11
April 22, 2010
I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm sooo fat! Everybody knows about my bulimia now. They all think I'm freak, even Kolby. Nobody realizes it's an "illness" (I hate hat word). They think I can stop whenever I want to but I can't. Why can't tey understand that? I'm only close to two people anymore. They're obviously Jami and Kira but even they have never seen the true pain inside me. It's starting to burn a hole in my chest. The feelings are aching to get out. I'll never let them...
Weight change: -.6lbs
Diary of An Anorexic 10
April 21, 2010
Nen is pissing me off. She knows about my bulimia. Apparently she saw me throwing up outside.It's all her fault I've gotten so fat! She made me sit down and eat dinner and made sure it didn't come back up. I hate her right now... I feel disguisting. Jami said she can see her weight dissappering. I'm not so lucky. Soon she'll be thinner than me...
Weight Change: +3.4lbs
Diary of An Anorexic 8
April 19, 2010
So I've started once again on my journey to Anorexia. Even though I've lost weight I continue to feel fat and insecure. My moms starting to catch on already. She found throw up on the bathroom towels. She thinks I'm bulimic. Though I denied her aligations I didn't tell her that she wasn't far off. Jami lost more weight than me. I'm so jelious though I'm still skinnier but not by much. On the Wii Fit I'm only about an inch away from being underweight
Weight Change: -.9lbs
Diary of an Anorexic 7
April 17, 2010
I feel disgusting. I ate four...FOUR pieces of pizza last night and a bowl of cereal this morning. All that sugar and fat is enough to make me wanna shoot myself! I'm dizzy all the time now but somehow I like it. It reminds me that I'm going to be skinny someday. That's all that matters to me lately. It used to be hard not to eat but now that I'm more used to it, it's an amazing feeling! I LOVE it! Jami's being distant...
Don't Fall In Love With A Writer Just because they will bruise your neck with pearls of metaphors; and splash palettes of colours onto your chest with reckless waves and boundless twilight. They will smear ink onto your lips as you kiss them because that is how they leave hickeys. They are wildest in their 2 a.m. diary, and liveliest in book racks of novels; they have butterflies in every heartbeat and they breathe living poems. They leave trails in libraries and coffee shops like Hansel leaves crumbs in forest and they have undying lovers because every love story is ever living in their abyssal oceans of analogies and similes. They know every clichés like the sunset knows the moon rise, and every wound in their heart like blood in their veins. They are terrifying because they weave you in splinters of fires rolling down their cheeks. They are weird because they don't smile much but sometimes you could catch their smiles in poems or tales. They are psychotic
How to be a better writer!How to be a better writer, or
Even a better artist.
“Trust me”, I have experience,
I’ve been at it for years.
Let me give you a few simple guidelines,
Some that I myself go off of,
And I’ll pretend that my style,
Choice of words, will work for everyone else.
And let’s not forget to mention that
I am a premium member! A beta tester!
A senior member!
Till hell freezes over!
I must know what I’m talking about?
In all my greatness and glory!
I have the authority,
To tell others how to make their art better.
Let’s cut the bullshit here and now,
And ignore those people who tell us our style.
One person, so skilled and great,
With art that all tend to appreciate,
Does not have the right to lead ‘his’ flock,
To determine whose art is worthy or not.
You write one way I write another,
My thoughts are calm, while yours are loud as thunder.
She strokes left, but he’ll stroke right,
Her art his peaceful, but his depicts a fight.
A pencil i
A Rapist Wears PinkA rapist can wear lipstick, make up, dresses or skirts,
Her nails can be painted brightly, her eyes can still harbor hurt.
A rapist can walk with heels, that click as she drags her feet,
A rapist can have a feminine voice, that comes pouring from her vile teeth.
A rapist can be a woman, that much should be clear,
Yet a few ignorant people, will choose not to adhere.
A rapist can pick her victim, as easily as the next,
She can claim she’s just lost or stranded, then force you into sex.
A rapist can cry wolf, as long as she cries feminist first,
A rapist can ruin your life style, make day to day living worse.
A rapist can put you in jail, with one tear of her eye.
A rapist will claim that you’ve hit her, that you wanted her to die.
A rapist is a liar, she hides behind her make up.
A rapist will be in your dreams, even when you wake up.
A rapist has the ability to avoid the clutches of the law,
A rapist can claim you’ve hit her, if you didn’t stand for her at
Avoidant Personality DisorderI've never gotten to explain this to anyone before, since every time I try, I break into some sort of sobbing fit. If my explanation sounds a little funky, that may be why.
Yeah. So, I have APD, or Avoidant Personality Disorder.
To summarize, it's a disorder that makes people want to avoid social contact and criticism by all means.
Unfortunately, that includes me.
I didn't know about the disorder until I browsed through psychological disorders for writing purposes, and happened to find it. I matched every single symptom.
Every last one, period. And I believe, wholeheartedly, that I have it.
This isn't your WebMD diagnosis, not when you feel so badly.
It's a really difficult feeling to describe.
Whenever you so much as try to make conversation with any person, you feel like chopping your head off. In my case, you're afraid to say hello. Or goodbye, or thank you, or I love you, or things that people should be able to say without stopping to think.
You feel unworthy o
My alter-egosYou see, I have these beings in my head I call alter-egos. They're parts of me that appear whenever I need them. They represent me, they come from the deepest side of my soul. It might seem crazy, but that's the best way I can describe them. They're very different from my other OCs (Vince, Renka, Alice, ete); they're very special to me. Sorry, I'm not good at explaining things myself...
Keiko: can I? Can I explain it? Pleeeeaseee?
Okay, go ahead.
Keiko: okay, we are special beings that live inside Sandra's mind. We were formed of her subconscious, so that makes us different of her other OCs she created herself. We're here to protect her, to make her feel better when she has her episodes of depression. Recently, she decided to make us public because we told her it was a good idea.
Now we will show a list of all the alter-egos Sandra has:
-Abyss (Gloomy Apocalypse): Demon
-Angel (Pulsar Majoris): Male version of Sandra
-Astrid (Star Lollipop): Birdwing
-Dana (Harmonic Holic): Human with
anyway.there are things i know too well about you, and most of them break my heart just remembering them. i knew the look in your eyes right before you would cry, or how it would snap and change from a look of swelling tides to unfiltered rage, aimed directly at me. cause i was the closest thing that you could bruise or throw your words at that wasn't a wall, or yourself. it wasn't damaging you, and as far i was concerned, that was worth a few flourishes or a swollen eye.
the alternative just wasn't worth mentioning or comparing.
there was something not right in your head, maybe the vodka or whatever you drink dissolved a synapses or two, because the notion of cause and effect didn't seem to make any sense, and empathy was just completely lost on you. i did love you, the best i knew how to, the best i could with the cards you gave me. i don't know if you returned those feelings when you were sober and weren't forced to be honest. drunken words are apparently the truths we can't admit when we'
everything is temporaryi have never been one to yell, it hurts my throat, or maybe i just lack the passion to get that mad at something. you always did bring out things that i never knew were inside though. we had matching bloodshot eyes, and the same fuck the world attitude running through our veins as if the world owed us something. it didn't then. but it does now. my blood is thick and burning and i want to try and flood it into yours to get the colour back into your cheeks that i just watched drain. i kicked the wall, and opened the window and screamed at the sky-scrappers and i don't know how the world can just keep fucking turning without so much a skipped rotation or a fucking stutter.
you turned small, minor things into giant fucking events that made my chest even tighter. a tickle in my throat, a spreading wildfire on the nape of my neck, a distinct lack of words or feelings to anything more than a lingering heaviness. i lost count of how many times i contemplated stepping in front of that car, bus,
TrustIt's almost impossible to make your mark on this world,
The true art in what I do is gone.
Once it was skill, and knowledge mixed with science that created the still image,
You had to know what an f-stop did, you had to know about depth of field.
Now everyone has a camera, everyone is a photographer,
What I pride myself on, is still striving to be better.
Trying to bring my own life's experiences to my images,
Finding the right people, people with soul, people with hurt inside them.
Encouraging those people to let down their walls,
To cry, to laugh, to be sexy, and sultry, and scary and mean and passionate for my lens.
To reveal themselves, sometimes for the first time ever, sometimes for the last time ever,
Some reveal their hearts, some reveal their bodies, all reveal something.
Because if you think I'll just have you just standing there, you are wrong,
You will be encouraged to let go.
Know that I know my art, the technical side, the science behind a great shot,
Trust that for a fle
Magic HourMagic Hour
by Kit the Wolfy
I always keep a cool and sunny place in my heart.
A place where the sky glows with the rich blue and pink and yellow of dusk and dawn, and everything is in picture-perfect clarity.
It's my own private magic hour.
And in this magic hour where everything is clear and bright, I take some time every day to reflect.
Reflect on the people I love.
Even if it's hard to continue, and even if I have scars,
My magic hour always heals the pain.
So, every day, I take a little time to retreat into my heart, into my magic hour.
And in that magic hour, I sit down in the grass, lie back, stare up at the shining sky...
And I think about how grateful I am that I have the people I love.
Diary of An Anorexic 9
April 20, 2010
My little "friend" came to ruin my day. He hit me right in the face lol. Nissa knows now but she thinks I'm mostly bulimic. I guess I am now that I've found a way to purge. I'm proud of myself for that. It means I can eat whatever I want now. I'm kinda upset though. I only lost .9 pounds yesterday. Jami said it's because of all the crap I ate over the weekend. She's probably right.
Weight Change: -1.4lbs
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